FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
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Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*