Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.