Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ