Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

it is time once again

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.