Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
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What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
We’ve come full circle
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon