Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
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[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Friday
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Sorry I made promises on Friday
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I Can’t Tonight…
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.