Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!