Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”