Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.