Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

A woman drives into a bar.

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

Me recordaron éste meme

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*