Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.