Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey