Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

Terribly Tuesday.

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*