Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

😭😭

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

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