Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

Legend 🤣🤣

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

Does this thing get good gas mileage?

-my husband being kidnapped

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.