friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
You Might Also Like
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Batman v Dracula
