FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Don’t tell me what to do
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.