Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.