Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

“Worm Regards”

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.