Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

🌱🌱🌱

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.