Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
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A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.