Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
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The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
*offers Batman cough drops*
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.