Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
everyone’s a critic
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I feel it
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.