Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
You Might Also Like
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Hang in there buddy
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.