Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Seems legit.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word