Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
A friend helps you before you need it
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep