Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

🤣😂

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

Rambo Rambow

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*