Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

Labreador

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

I feel it

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows