Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

#Caturday

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.