Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”