Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
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I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Bruh PLEASE
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.