Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
You Might Also Like
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
first you must answer his riddles
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?