Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
i will not be silenced
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I’ve disappointed better people.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”