Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

They’re stuck in your pants?

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.