Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
this is a sign that you need a union
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
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