Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sunday

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

always be there

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

crazy

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air