Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
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i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under