Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Where’s my employee discount too?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor