Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

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On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep


Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.


*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what


Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all



[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]


Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?

Dad you’re an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it’s literally all you guys talk about


If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.