Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
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My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”