FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
You Might Also Like
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.