FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
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My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Windows
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”