Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

Worst perfume name ever.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

Put the is in disheveled

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”