Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy