Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.