Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.