Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.