Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
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Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.