Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
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Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later