Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
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bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
*serious situation*
My brain:
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.