Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
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My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)