Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
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Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
We will use anything but the metric system
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i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
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#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
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When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place