Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
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There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
🤣could you imagine
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK