Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”