Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

Frog purse.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

Writing, She Murdered.

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.