Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied