FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
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My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.