FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
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Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
They’re really bad with fonts.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.