FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
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me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.