I wish I was getting half as much action as my neighbour’s lawn mower.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
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ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I’m having a little bit of trouble right now.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
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A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It’s only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.