FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
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Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Ain’t no way
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
do what now??
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice