@DurtMcHurtt

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

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@Fickle_Filly

I wish I was getting half as much action as my neighbour’s lawn mower.

@dave_cactus

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

@oolah

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

@avainwordland

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

@shanethevein

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

@Cheeseboy22

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

@jazmasta

Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It’s only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.