Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

“How’s your day going?”

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)