FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
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Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Love this one 😂🧟
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”