6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Left at a local drug store…
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”