Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same