Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?