Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Snapes on a plane.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils