Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*