Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

I went from rags to one rag.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.