Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
You Might Also Like
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
what
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old