Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

The options really are this bad

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.