Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
A short story of betrayal:
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road