Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.