Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok