FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
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I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.