Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
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me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics