Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

when dads have a rap battle

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

me when somebody idk start touching me

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.