Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
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Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.