@Home_Halfway

FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don

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@EwdatsGROSS

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

@nthall350

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

@VancityReynolds

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

@philboringphil

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

@atragedyoflove

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

@angeliav68

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

@gabbazaba

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

@tastefactory

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

@KeetPotato

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner