In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don
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The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner