FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don

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Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”


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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…


facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks


COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u


imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner