I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
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My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on